Solstice, 2019
Anacortes, Washington

Dear Ones,

    Well it has been a dumpster fire of a year, hasn’t it?  As I write, the day before the Solstice, it is dark.  Early.  At High Noon, here in our Northern Maritime Temperate Rain Forest, the sun rises only to a fist and a half above the horizon, and headlights are required by 4:30 or so.  But these physical realities are just the backdrop, not the problem. Nothing shines very bright these days.  First, you may know, my father, Edward McCreery Roberts, died on December 7, at 89.  An obit is enclosed with this letter.  He lived a long and full life, and fortunately did not linger long in illness.  Second, just yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to impeach DJT, for abuse of power, and obstruction of Congress.  Dad knew it would happen, but I wish he had lived to see it.  It has been a shit-show, though. The Dems kept things fairly compact, ignored the entire Mueller report fiasco, and stuck to a couple of charges related to gross and clumsy efforts at extortion of Ukraine.  Now the matter goes to the equally and oppositely partisan Senate, where a show trial will end quickly, and utterly predictably, and DJT will be running victory laps, crowing, “Exonerated, exonerated!”  This whole thing is part of the re-ignition of the Civil War, now in a phase of Civil Cold War, between the self-imagined heirs of the Lost Cause, and the Damned Yankees. Nobody cares about the country anymore, only their tribe.  And it is fueled in a way never anticipated before.  I had not imagined that in a half generation, we would have devolved from newspaper-reading, news watching, debating-on-the-merits citizens, to mouth-breathing, thumb-texting, zombie tweet-stormers, with the attention spans of fruit flies. A powerful spur to greatness for our hairy and malodorous ancestors was the invention of fire, and now social media is driving us just as rapidly downwards, hairless and perfumed, to a new era of momentary celebrity and instant gratification. We wallow, directionless, in an utter absence of collective memory and conscience.  Celebrity and notoriety are one and the same.  Trolls create false narratives, and we drones repeat them dutifully, without the least bit of skepticism.  We are ripe for destruction, and at our own hands.  America will never die, except by a self-inflicted wound.  Artificial Intelligence will easily supersede our own, as we shall have met our enemy more than halfway, in our rush to stupidity.  Many look, in trying times, to the intervention of a righteous god, but I know if such a thing existed, Mitch McConnell would already be a pile of smoking cinders.  Nevertheless, he persists.
    So wife Catherine, AKA my Reason for Living, gets up every morning with the words, “Fuck Trump!” On her lips. I point out that the use of the F-Bomb in juxtaposition with the Office of the President demeans the positive connotations, history and power of the the F-Bomb, but my protest falls on deaf ears, alas. But Seriously?? Fuck Trump?  I wouldn't do that for $130k and a non-disclosure agreement from HIM.  Catherine continues to keep herself amused in any way she chooses, knitting mostly. The beginning of the year found her on the southern end of the Pacific Crest Trail, her back to the Border Wall, literally, aiming to walk the whole thing, solo, in chunks. Unfortunately, she ran quickly into record snows in the Sierras, and bailed out.  She continues to plan disconnected chunks for the future.  We continue to travel the West by travel van, notably to Jasper, Alberta, via the Glacier Highway. That highway is beyond gorgeous.  Go there.  Seriously.  The limitations of our first van wore on us a bit, so we sold it, and bought another shorter, fatter version of the first.  We can get past each other in the central aisle, and sleep in side-entry twin beds, so perhaps we will co-exist better during long forced-march togetherness.  Excelsior. 
    Michele (43) remains a yoga master and business-woman/entrepreneur, while herding 2 kids toward adulthood.  Husband Eric remains with Net Jets, administrating more than flying these days.  Jack (14) plays cello and soccer, and Lily (12) also plays soccer and loves dystopian novels. Go figure.
    Nathanael (42) is in San Diego, doing art for fun, and physical training for bill paying. He is considering a transition, maybe a move.
    Hannah (33) is midway through her 2nd year at Mayo Medical School, in Scottsdale, AZ.  She is almost done with the first two didactic years, and ready to launch into the clinical years. She continues to train for ultra-marathon runs and has my buddy Mickey the Boxer for a running companion.
    Everett (31) is in DC, still between jobs at the moment, but writing his wickedly satiric short stories, hoping to find a way to make his true calling pay the bills.
    My Mom is just barely settling into life without Dad, parting with boxes of shoes and clothes, and receiving various visitors.  I am not sure how things will be after the holiday rush, but I will be out there soon.  Dad donated his body to the Medical School, so there was no wake or funeral.  We will have a Celebration of Life in Buffalo, April 4, 2020, for anyone who wants to come and reminisce.
    Me?  Just working.  I have become the only dedicated night doc, so I have a bit more control over my schedule, favoring long stretches on followed by long stretches off.  The grand plan is to retire from full-time work in March of 2021.  I suppose I will work a short block of 4-5 shifts per month for a year or so, to keep busy, and have some travel funds.  But I already have my party scheduled, Saturday March 6, 2021, at the Skyline Beach Club Cabana, in Anacortes.  All are invited.  I hope to travel, cook, make photographs, and maybe do bonsai trees.  That sorta thing.  I just signed up for Medicare, and had my biennial doctor visit. He started me on my first ever prescription, a statin for my cholesterol.  Sheesh. I feel old alla sudden, I continue to manage my weight intermittently with intermittent fasting, and do some kettle-bell swings, squats, and a sauna, a few times a week. My wardrobe is bipolar—half now and half aspirational.  My right hip dogs me daily, and I make grampa grunts getting into and out of low chairs, but all in all, I am well.
    Work remains the driver and the unchanging, ever changing landscape. I continue to enjoy being useful, and fixing stuff.  I have had a year of saves, gratifying moments amid the humdrum.  Some of our meth-head regulars have died, but like sharks’ teeth, as one drops out, another rotates into place.  I scheme to make my place in medical history, with my latest invention, the Roberts Excruciometer.  I have solved the problem of pain scales, the dumbest invention ever.  Some nameless bureaucrat, who is surely doomed someday to the darkest reaches of Dante’s hell, has imposed this notion of rating pain from one to ten on the practice of medicine.  It is subjective, confusing, and capricious. And everybody lies, in order to get pain meds. So in its stead, I have made a machine.  Hook up electrode leads to the nipples of the patient, and hand them a box with a dial and a 10-point scale.  As they scroll the dial up through the numbers, the amperage delivered to the leads increases.  When the pain thus delivered equals the stated pain of their complaint, they stop, and we record the results.  No more guesswork.  Just reproducible results.  Because Science.  Should be my ticket to fame and financial security.
    I pause, as always, to note the passing of notables from our midst. Dad, of course.  My partner, esteemed colleague, and brother by another mother, Dr. Todd Beia died suddenly at 49, leaving us all bereft of his medical skills, humor, and sweet charm, in that big, buff exterior. 
    Actors had a bad year, as we said farewell to Peter Fonda, Rutger Hauer, Valerie Harper, Rip Torn, Diahann Carroll, Doris Day, Peggy Lipton, Tim Conway, Albert Finney, Jan Michael Vincent, Luke Perry, Arte Johnson,  and Chewbacca, Peter Mayhew.
    Musicians and rock stars did no better, losing Peter Tork of the Monkees, Ginger Baker, Andre Previn, Leon Redbone, Dick Dale, Eddy Money, Dr. John, and Daryl Dragon, Tenille’s Captain.
    Politicians of various stripes were voted out, including Sen. Russell Baker, Justice John Paul Stevens, Ross Perot, Elijah Cummings, John Conyers, John Dingell, Jacques Chirac, Chairman Li Peng of Tiananmen Square notoriety,  and Watergate burglar James McCord.
    Journalists, writers and artists lost include Toni Morrison, Herman Wouk, Cokie Roberts, Leslie Gelb, D.C. Fontana, Gahan Wilson, and Francine du Plessix-Gray.
    Sportin’ Lifers Frank Robinson, Bill Buckner, Jim Bouton, Don Larson, Bart Starr, Nicki Lauda and John Havlicek have hung up their gear.
    And ungroupable others include Claus von Bulow, David Koch, T. Boone Pickens, Lee Iacocca, Lee Radziwill, Gloria Vanderbilt, and Karl Lagerfeld.
    And so, fans and detractors, I close again, with my wishes for a better year than this last one. That is a low hurdle, so let me amplify that many fold. Look up from your digital devices.  Get out of your bubble, read deeply, think deeply, doubt pundits, and demand truth. Also speak truth, and do not fall silent, or be shouted down by false leaders and their rabble.  The stakes are too high, never higher, and good people everywhere must make a stand.  Or else the world will tilt again and bring light back to a world that doesn’t value light. The answer to the question, “Is our problem ignorance or apathy?”, cannot be, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”  We must do better.

    Soulful Solstice, Swingin’ Saturnalia, Fab Festivus, Merry Xmas, Chappy Channukah, and Kwazy Kwanzaa, Y’all…

Sex--a Literary Collection

Intercourse

Fuck, feck, frig, frack, freak, frug, screw, ball, swive, plonk, jink, biff, boff, boof, buff, bang, bump, boom-boom, brush, have a brush, bone, bury the bone, bonk, boink, doink, dink, flink, hump, poke, peg, have a tiff, mount, wet mount, mount the fringed saddle, charge the felted mount, enter, shag, top, top the felted mound, pareunia, dyspareunia, eupareunia, plumb, plumb the depths, take soundings, check her oil, lube her chassis, lubricate, lumbricate, take her for a spin, ride, the Midnight Ride, rail, get railed, get into the saddle, saddle up, post up, ride below the crupper, ride into the breach, board a land carrack, couple, make love, make lust, become lovers, make a baby, launch a brat, hide the salami/sausage/bishop, wiener in a bun, stir the gravy/pudding, stir the pot, sugar her bowl, throw her a bone, have an affair, carnal knowledge, amorous congress, know (in the Biblical sense), have intimacy, become intimate, marital embrace, marital arts, get between the sheets, make a wet spot, delve, plow, plow the fertile field/furrow, burrow in the furrow, plant your seed, shoot twixt wind and water, do some pile-driving,  hide the salami, have your way, take your pleasure, fill her, fulfill her, fill/recycle the box the baby came in, deflower, violate, criminal conversation, leave your mark, spelunking, visit the mossy cave, paint the pink cave, one in the pink, be in the pink, part the portals of desire, part the meat curtains, part the felt curtains, part/pierce the veil, enter the kingdom of heaven, lock legs and swap gravy, drop a load off, download, download a blueprint, a double helix, some genetic material, pork, pork-sword,  sheathe the sword, peel the prawn, go deep, deep 6, knock boots, bump ugly, bump uglies, grind, bump and grind, make whoopee, do the deed, do her, do it, take her honor, honor her offer, take soundings, pile driving, enter the pink room, drive her home, rodger, bust a nut, pop a cherry, buster hymen, kippers for breakfast, quickie, longie, drill, probe, use the blunt probe, at your cervix, home run, slide (it) in, score, touchdown, horizontal therapy/refreshment/hula/jog, jig-jig, humpa-humpa, give her forty pushups, swim in the swamp/slimy slough, mash bits, lock up, link up, dock in the docking bay, makin’ bacon, slap the bacon, now and later, afternoon delight, P-V, coitus, coition, consummation, try her on for size, send John Henry to the fish market, two become one, two in one flesh, do the dance/dance with no steps, do the huckabuck/the boogaloo/the alligator/the huff and puff/fandango, join paunches, form the two-backed beast, spread her legs, drop in at the “Y”, go to the Y for a dip, box lunch at the Y,  bend her over, knock her up, get there, get some, get some pussy/trim/quim/poontang, wet your pole, get it wet, make a wet spot, toff, tump, deploy the wedding tackle, do the honors, sweet ruckus, see god, get religion, little death, have the big O, have a piece, piece of ass, doggy style, dog, do the dog, churn the butter, the old in and out, plunger, action, go all the way, marital relations, intimate relations, sexual relations, sexual intercourse, nonverbal intercourse, carnal relations, lie with, lay, get laid, dance naked, spend a condom, leave your boots/clogs/sandals under her bed, lose virginity, become a (real) woman/man, adult play, put the pole in the socket, launch the red rocket, get your rocks off, push in the bush, get it on, get down (and dirty), get down to business/brass tacks, do the nasty/wild thing/what comes natural, go splickety-splat in her nappy dugout, bury Caesar/John Henry/Peter, bury the hatchet, have her pearl, have an oyster, rock her world/boat, pubic symphony, short strokes, intromission, mate, mating dance/ritual, copulate, commune, venery, pornography, de-horn, give your all, think of England, give her the business, make merry, thump her, see paradise, tickle her fancy, a bit of how’s your father, leg over, hook up, romp, Rumpy-Pumpy, muff dive, pound the brillo pad/mound/puff, have some strange, fornicate, get lucky, take to bed, root, sex, do sex, have sex, make sex, sex you up, ravish, dip/wet the wick, lay pipe, hose, drain the lizard, give it up, put out, have, get into his/her pants, go balls deep, get some stank, horizontal bop, seal the deal, love you longtime, slap and tickle, pull the train, ride the train, scrog, fug, mash guts/bellies/bones/pubes, bump fuzzies, get booty, ride Old Greasy, cowgirl,  hot beef injection, pile driver, slap uglies, bump ugly,  ram, slam, wham-bam thank you m’am, be with, shtup, shtuppen, twerk on me, yiff, you-know-what, leave her wet and steamy, work her up into a lather, ride (surf) the poonami, fill the cannoli, stuff the taco, add the sauce, go at it, lower the boom, service, serve, take old one-eye to the optometrist, rain on that ass, wax it, a little somethin’-somethin’, eff, consummate, conjoin, insert tab ‘A’ into slot ‘B’, have a hot tuna sandwich, steal a slice, have a slice (of pie), have her cookie/cupcake/cherry pie, be her salty dog, break off a piece, split the beaver, divide and conquer, snake, snake dance, shank, groom’s mare, groom’s duty, do the chore, sabbath/shabbos duty, boom-boom, stuff the muff, read her a bedtime story, go spelunking, visit Mammoth Cave, visit the love shack, get a room at the No-Tell Motel, sleep together, quality time, nookie, nook, breakfast in bed, bed, take to bed, wet the wookie, Free Willy, belabor, come inside (me), woodpecker in the hole, stroke her, stoke her, complete her, solve the puzzle, you first then me, come together, connect, hop on Pop, check in at the Ramit Inn, put a loaf/bun/meat in the oven, set the timer for 9 months, deliver a torpedo amidships, make it, wet work, night work, get amorous, melting moments, make him hollah, marital duty/arts, in-flight entertainment, trip the light fantastic, splendour in the grass, blow the grounsils, ring my bell, tool time, sample her goods/wares/treasures, inseminate, sperminate, pollinate, take the plunge, grand finale, washing machine, fangul, join at the groin, groin grinder, grind groins, breed, missionary position, doggy style, bushwhack, sloppy seconds, stir in the baby butter, beard-splitting, bouncy-bouncy, bisecting the triangle, invading the delta, dunk the brush/dingus/weasel, driving Miss Daisy, creaming/filling/stuffing the twinkie, filling the cannoli, feeding Miss Puss/the cat/the kitty, filler up with premium, four-legged foxtrot, huntsching, jamming the clam, sampling the bearded clam, stand at stud, jiggery-pokery,  play poker, poker, Convivial Society, polishing the porpoise/pole/flagpole/maypole/barber pole/torpedo, goring, rooting, in rut, pranging, pronging, scrogging, scrumping, smegging, shaboinking, slip-sliding away, doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch, stuff, get stuffed, stuffin the muffin, thrumming, tanking, storing your junk, putting your junk in her trunk, mattress-dance, mishing, mollocking, quim-sticking, riding the baloney pony, sharpening the pencil, dipping the pen in the inkwell, going to the well, take her temperature, jump her/his bones, bone to bone, stay up all night, pull an all nighter, kama sutra, hot yoga, exercise the love muscle, happy ending, start with dessert, put your cigar in the humidor, just say “Yes”, spend the night, roll in the hay, kick up a little dust, frontgammon, therapeutic prostatic emptying (TPE), amory, ars amoris, sleepover, layover, waylaid, mislaid, booty call, creampie, go to the queefateria, queef-knocking, tool time, mañanera, nooner, get some action, crank-start the baby factory/mill, get busy, unite, engage, spark, make an honest man/woman out of you, talk to god, bust out the red towel, lather/work her up, tap that, hit that, visit the shaggy monster (in the basement), go downtown, discuss the Bosnia Situation, Netflix and chill, night physic, fadoodle, butter her bread/bun/muffin/biscuit, co-ed wrestling, hokey-pokey, pokey-pokey, splash her gash, join the mile high club, tup, bring your bag lunch to the queefeteria, crash into her, head-on collision, twerking on the pole, pole dancing, form the strange two-backed beast, give her a cum-douche, drop a load, take a load to the cum-dump, fill the cum-cup, baste the bird, butter the scone, glaze/frost/stuff the cannoli, storm the castle/trenches/bastion, smash, nut, dick down, clunge-plunge, minge-binge, one in the pink and two in the stink, take your liberty, take liberties, roger, put out, cruise to Put-in Bay, lube the tube, fill the ditch, dive in the foxhole, take soundings, raise the rafters, say hallelujah, make a deposit at the sperm bank, make a deposit at the night deposit box, drop in, lay some rail, splashdown, clap cheeks, ream, swab the flue, inside job, raw-dogging it, play the winning hand/card, share DNA, DNA injection, do the sticky part, spark her, be her salty dog, ride the dog, ride dirty, ride bear-back, ride rough, free-ride, climb on, climb Everest, go to the magic mountain, just say 'No' to drugs, join the breakfast club, dessert before breakfast, lock loins, lock pubes, grind bones,

Vagina and environs

Pussy, vagina, vag, vadge, cunt,  See You Next Tuesday, snatch, claptrap, crab-trap, puddy-hole, hole, cum box, cum cup, cumdump, cup, receptacle, semen receptacle, spooge-catcher, sheath, quiver, cave, mossy room, musty room, dank room, damp room, damp hall, kitty, kitties, cat, beaver, beav, split, slit, gash, slash, wound, axe/hatchet wound, crack, mash, mush, patch, swamp, ooze, pool, wet spot, sweet spot, wet, moisture, panty-wetter, hot tub, little man in a boat, cooter, cootch, cootchie-coo, Susie, Nellie Kate, Mary Jane, Aunt Flo's place, poon, poontang, 'tang, poonay, poonay-nay, quim, snooch, front passage, mons veneris, delta, felted mound, felted delta, delta of Venus, pad, landing pad, landing strip, fluff, puff, snail-trail, slick, naughty bits, private parts, privates, unmentionables, lady bits, girl guts, stuff, mess, hot mess, thing, thingy, thang, ditch, slime spot, rubyfruit, rubyfruit jungle, jungle, treat, wares, dark lips, silent lips, vertical lips, secret, secret garden, gardenia, orchid, flower, forget me not, honeysuckle, flytrap, venus flytrap, bud, rosebud, clit, clitoris, fourchette, vulva, pudenda, birth canal, genitalia, socket, reason for living, hairy mount, mount, twaddle, silo, fig, sandwich, clam, bearded clam, oyster, bearded oyster, beard, triangle, furry triangle, fur, fur-burger, fur pie, pie, cherry pie, apple pie, meat pie, meat wallet, clam pie, chowder, pink, pink eye, wink, winky, mossy mount, moss-covered mansion,  tuna, fish, mussel, fruit, great divide, furrow, cock-gobbler, fertile field, baby-maker, money-maker, vertical smile, lips, portals of heaven, heaven, portals of desire, desire, docking bay, claspers, cock gobbler, honor, groom’s mare, saddle, hairy saddle, scabbard,  pudding, pud, puddy, puddy-tat, introitus, sex, coital organ, organ of sex, organ of intromission, pearly gates, nether eye, pee-pee, cummer, cunney-hole, cunney-burrow, middle passage, burrow, lair, tunnel, Tunnel of Love, trim, pearl, jewel, treasure, treasure cave, treasure box, gift, bottom, taint, snake’s den, gobbler, forbidden zone, stinkfruit, fen, bog, stinkhole, pelvic opening, pubes, pubis, pubic hair, V, Y, bride’s gift, slimy slough, sluice, slough, camel toe, muff, panty pet, hamster, passion fruit, hush puppy, hussy, hooch, holster, cherry, cha-cha, ti-ti, goblet, hairy goblet, honey pot, Cathedral, sacred place, Holy of Holies, pocket, pit, grand canyon, canyon, arroyo mojado, cream, box, fur hat, bear, sugar, sugared almond, sugar shack, pearltongue, tongue rest, landing strip, lickerish, lickme, pleaser, pleasme, candy, taco, fish taco, town pump, beef, burger, slant, gripper, claspers, pickle-barrel, honey-hall, honey room, horse collar, filling station, quim, quiff, jou-jou, bijou, chocha, conch, choot, cooch, coochie, cookie, coosie, fanny, fuck hole, thingamajiggie, hoo-hoo, hoo-ha, hoosie-whatsit, hoosie, hooch, hoochie-coo, koos, hot pocket, pink canoe, poonani, quiff, wallet, promised land, quivering quim, quivering mound, jelly roll, tang, twat, twitchet, bag, vagoo, veejay, vajajay, woo, woo-hoo, wuss, wussy, wugget, nugget, pearl, meat-walls, ham, man-trap, bean, jelly, jelly bean, menstruator, baby-cannon, brat-launcher, crotch, booty,  pookie, mullet, ass, piece, yuck-mouth, bloody lips, carpet, tampon tunnel, balcony, Babylon, pink eye, gonads, nads, soggy room/box, nappy, nappy dugout, muffin, biscuit, bikini biscuit, panty hamster, panty mouse, mouse, jizz-catcher, snizz, nook, nookie, cranny, hangar, entryway, front hall, milky way, portal, front porch, gate of heaven, lobby, vestibule, damp path, passageway, corridor, ingress, inlet, vestibule, conduit, hymen, wormhole, receiver, penetration, weak spot, reception room, foyer, lobby, concourse, foyer, entryway, Narthex, mud room, wet basement, font of wisdom, fountain of youth, of happiness, of despair, Velcro, fuzzy patch, shaved fish, vitamin Y, ball rest, Hunya, Hunya Burger, fish burger, tuna burger, tomato sandwich, clam sandwich, clam burger, Kahuna, Slice, snack, snack at the Y, boost, smell, hoodie, pepper, pepper grinder, sausage grinder, cannoli, Jawn, Jawnski, juice, juicy juice, juicer, lube, squish, squishy, sponge, le sponge, femme, core, whore core, queef launcher, queefer, queefeteria, snookie, snookie-snook, ‘lingus, south, southern shore, south park, spice, squeeze, pulp, Kit-Kat, Now & Later, nectar, nature, finance, scholarship, harvest, taser, passport, air freshener, mustache rest, chin rest, tongue rest, tongue trap, second hole from the bottom, middle passage, middle kingdom, My Space, port, shot glass, receiver, cream cup, specimen cup, Fork-Tailed Flycatcher, Fly-Opener, mudge, stank, piss-lips, lady lips, squeeze, nest, quoniam, minky, foof, vagine, fandango, front bottom, doo-dah, demiflitchet, tup, tuppence, whispering eye, minge, minny, growler, noo-noo, bean, button, Mary-Ellen, bajingo, biddy, fork, mill, forge, lap, belle-chose, trench, lap, oven, beard, commodity, purse, plum tree, breach, ware, wares, weir, lair, leather, mawkin, treasury, cradle, cradle of Venus, Venus on the half shell, et cetera, token, fort, oven, chime, watergate, touch-hole, breach, pin case, two-leaved gate, honey pot, altar of Venus, leather, suede, suede slipper, muk-luk, Netherlands, South Coast, gulf, dead end, cul-de-sac, bight, Lord of All,  shag, shaggy monster in the basement, batcave, ho-cake, hairy doughnut, golden doughnut, velvet-lined meat grinder, bower of bliss, dell of delight, Mike Hunt, wet sock, humidor, box the kids came in, swimmin hole, dip tube, dip hole, Devil's doorbell, Devil's den, Devil's Canyon, Devil's Ditch, Devil's Doorbell, Brillo pad, fish taco, shrimp taco, gyatz, the pink, creature of the silken cave, critter, gutter, prison purse, prison wallet, male box, deposit slot, safety deposit box, night deposit slot, mimsy, old kipper, unmentionables, Miss Molly, tally-ho, sump hole, road to perdition, silent mouth, flap dragon, sticky bits, lady garden, orchid, Georgia O'Keefe, passion flower, Pit of Despair, Pit of Ecstasy, Pleasure Pit, Sacré-coeur, sacred place, fringe, frill, flooze, mank, Nether-Nether Land, 

Penis and environs

prick, peenie, pecker, prong, cock, dingdong, ding-a-ling, dingle, wong, wang, wing-wang, weenie, weiner, willie, winkie, winkle, wick, wee-wee, pee-pee,  wand, wheezer, wongus, dick, Richard, Hans, Peter, John, Johnny, Little Johnny, Johnson, schlong, schwanse, schwanstuck, schmuck, schlomozzle, dork, dong, dingle, dingus, peckerwood, woody, knee slapper, thigh slapper, thigh meat, kicky-wickyhot beef, hot beef injector, Terrance, Percy, John Henry, Curious George, Jackson, joystick, juju, Pierre, Wilson, spelunker, swizzlestick, pistol, pud, pudding, pink, third leg, lazy leg, frank and beans, manhood, verger, yard, yardarm, sword, pork, porksword, shortsword, blunt sword, short knife, stick, stickshift,  nightstick, fuck-stick, candle, pen, pencil, fiddle-bow, head, little head, purple top, purple helmeted warrior, pole, maypole, flagpole, one-eyed trouser trout, tuna torpedo, corned beef torpedo, salami, balogna, sausage, hot dog, dog, dawg, hooded monk, hooded stranger, pink cucumber, eggplant, banana, banana pepper, pepperoni, meat, meat missile, meatloaf, popsicle, ice cream cone, hog, hawg, torpedo, rocket, pocket rocket, flashlight, gun, trigger, friend, best friend, only friend, little friend, bud, buddy, little buddy, flagpole, barber pole, staff, stick, stock, mojo, muscle, spud, stud, baby-maker, brat launcher, love muscle, kidney knocker/buster, liver disturber, big greasy, wild pony, wild thing, dog, weed, monkey, dolphin, chicken, snake, salamander, cod, monster, red-headed monster, mast, boom, belaying pin, shillelagh, club, thumper, Clark Kent, Old Pete, sneaky Pete, twaddler, diddler, hard-on, hard part, hardy har har,  stiffie, rod, ramrod, battering ram, dildo, dipper, dipstick, gear shift, lizard, eel, moray, penguin, porpoise, dagger, dirk, bird, floppy, private(s), old soldier (and his duffle bag), old sailor, old man, whopper, bone, boner, mister softee, lad, laddie, lad-a-buck, sex, ham, hook, Popeye the sailor, plough, roasting ear, cob, cod, diddler, piston, crank, crankshaft, connecting rod, pin, tool, mr. goodwrench, lever arm, dibble, bolt, key, spike, pedestal of desire, bayonet, plunger, flute, skinflute, veined flute, silent flute, ocarina, sax, Mr. Holland's Opus, Willie Wonka,  Manfred the Wonder Cock, stalk, sprout, package, pizzle, wozzle, nozzle, bachelor's friend, ladies' friend, ladies' delight, rib-tickler, carrot, parsnip, zucchini, eggplant, melanyan, beet, pickle, lightning rod, tuber, tube steak, long plumb, jelly roll, cannoli, vigour, essence, stuff, thang, thing, thingy, pod, rail, nature, honker, gooser, shank, python, anaconda, thickie, root, banger, brat, knockwurst, horn, lance, bit, naughty bits, pestle, baton, shaft, partner, hose, jamoke, cannon, tamper, swab, thrasher, beaver billy, alligator,  'gator, crocodile, tallywhacker, unit, member, male member, virility, nightstick, club, billyclub, truncheon, blackjack, poker, putter, mashie-niblick, bat, pudknocker, clam-hammer, works, waterworks, wedding tackle, groom's mare, tickler, pleaser, pump handle, joint, putz, worm, Hugh G. Rection, erector set, swinging meat, hanging meat, begooner, pipe, weasel, ferret, derrick, mole, blue-veined piccolo, fiddle bow, engine, plonker, knocker, instrument, sensitive plant, acorn, short arm, beak, arborvitae, cupid's torch, cupid's arrow, doover, thingamajiggie, whoosiewhatsit, demiflitchit, merrymaker, master of ceremonies, jock, putz, yutz, lingam, proudflesh, flex, bacon, canadian bacon, loin, sternpost, rudder, cunnyplough, cunnyburrow, pussy stretcher, beaver splitter, flapdoodle, quill, javelin, captain, ruler, fearless leader, buddy, prod, Irish, blunt probe, male organ, genitals, pretzel, Kosher Dill, hanging basket, basket, Big Ed, scepter, Mr. Happy (and the twins), fornicator, man root, winky, cyclops, old one-eye, john thomas, wagstaff, bald hermit, bald-pated friar/monk, enob, yumyum, white owl, wise old owl, owlet, hooter, bayonet, Sunday Best, snapper, red snapper, pink snapper, Mississippi purple-top, purple-headed womb ferret, lobster, crawdad, prawn, jumbo shrimp, longneck, assets, piece, raison d'etre, penisillin injection, roto-rooter, plug, spark plug, turkey baster, crack-stopper, chink-stopper, gap-filler, gob-stopper, grinder, hoagy, hero, sabre, cutlass, pike, skewer, hedgehog, stoat, ferret, jism-stick, bushwacker, organ, cherry popper, buster, god, pile-driver, bowsprit, spinnaker pole, chub, chubby, dark meat, white meat, oar, spanker, spinnaker pole, tuna rig, gaff, patootie, fartknocker, fudgepacker, shithook, tinkie-winkie, flashlight, pink frilled lizard, salamander, weeping lizard, leaping lizard, peeler, equipment, dip-pole, one-eyed jack, one-eyed monster, one-eyed snake, one eyed trout, pink parrot, erection, fat boy, tall boy, low boy, tater, sweet tater, sweet potato, ocarina, mandrake root, ginger, stinger, tower of power, docking module, docking arm, twig and berries, meat and two veggies, organ of intromission, copulator, pipe organ, kickstand, snap-on, trouble-maker, hang-low, cherry-picker/popper, junk, pisser, spooge launcher, spooger, lotion dispenser, root of all evil, control arm, lever, grease gun, baster, turkey baster, big boy, little boy, party crasher, muck raker, Wee Willie Winkie, Willie or Winkie, the One-Eyed Wonder Worm, Winker, grower, shower, dangler, hanger, yogurt-spitting sausage, egg-white cannon, cullion, bald mouse,  pee-duncle, cigar, cheroot, Caesar, Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Murphy's Lawyer, unit, junk, li'l rascal, tea bags, clinkers, kicky-wicky, long plum, bald-pate friar/monk, silent flute, gaying instrument, liver-disturber, father confessor, quimstick, kidney-buster, dingle-doodle, dingwallace, snorker, snorkel, corned beef torpedo, salty dog, blunt, lump, bad monkey, pinion, king stud, cum rocket, cum launcher, straight-arm, belly ruffian, Billy Ruffian, vomiting worm/snake/trout, bell end, clapper, rail, Stand-up Comic, Stand-up Guy, biopsy needle, depth sounder, patootie, Ambassador, the Archbishop, lonely sentinel, 

Breasts

breasts, bust, breastices, boobs, boobies, boops, teats, tits, titties, teddies, ta-tas, ti-tis, chi-chis, the girls, the twins, boppers, fun bags, pleasure pillows, sin pillows, dirty pillows, two sunny-side up, mosquito bites, rack, prow, assets, milk bar, udders, milkers, milk cans, milk bags, jugs, gallon jugs, milky way, jiggly-wigglies, knockers, bounders, bouncers, danglers, hangers, nips, nipples, areolas, pects, top, two best friends, cleavage, chest, chest kittens, sweater puppies, decolletage, eye candies, ear muffs, bust, bra stuffers, sweater stuffers, bosoms, buds, mae wests, flotation devices, blouse bunnies, hooters, honkers, hangers, opening act, entrees, appetizers, hills, mounts, mounds, mountains, promontories, conversation starters, distractions, moneymakers, scene stealers, best friends, besties, best buds, sisters, twin sisters, The Girls, handles, mouthful, more than a mouthful,  top shelf, upper storey, tips, points, pins, headlights, high beams, boulders, volcanoes, cones, twins, mammaries, mammary glands, aggravated sweat glands, bing cherries, low hanging fruit, peaches, plums, mangoes, pears, pair, points, bosoms, bazungas, bazooms, bazoombas, gazungas, gazingas, bazookas, kahunas, boom-chicka-wawas, chesticles, cha-chas, num-nums, nom-noms, Jekyll and Hyde (and any other named duo), jubblies, jubblie-wubblies, Ma-deuce, twin fifties, thirty-eights, forty-fours, weapons, melons, cantaloupes, coconuts, marshmallows, s’mores, balcony, bitties, cans, kahunas, naturals, tracts of land, yabbos, guns, balloons, bombs, bumpers, fenders, bups, baps, casabas, itty-bittys, knobs, handles, cushions, mammas, perkies, pimples, set, stack, brown eyes, doinkers, bedoinkers, bazoos, ninnies, lobes, globes, golden globes, dairy, dairy farm, dairy section, milkshakes, milk bar, milk dispensers, mamacitas, torpedoes, missiles, bullets, towel rack, cupcakes, Hostess Cupcakes, sno-cones, business end, warheads, nose cones, scoops, double dip, double-scoop, spinners, chumbawumbas, dumplings, gobstoppers, baby bottles, goodie bags, swag bags, hood ornaments, milkwagons, airbags, thing one and thing two, brat feeders, grill, Wisconsin, bongos, kettle-drums, marimbas, bouncy-castles, boppers, twin peaks, tater tots, yams, nuggets, scones, milk duds, sundaes with cherries on top, boat-load, figurehead, tassle-spinners, pasty holders, crumb catchers, macaroons, igloos, Zabos, lady lumps (my lovely lady lumps), humps, Dolls, Valley of the Dolls, Na-Nas, shakers, Sugar & Spice, Spice Girls, Muffins, muffies, ear muffs, Mittens, Thelma & Louise, Shock & Awe, twin towers, Twin Peaks, double trouble, Yahtzee, air bags, carry-ons, Charlie's Angels, Apollo 36, landscape, silicon sisters, two scoops with a cherry on top, spinners, twin props, twin engines, physiognomy, cups, a,b,c,d cups, double Ds, mondos, massives, headrests, second base, soft serve, two scoops, silicone valley, muppets, brisket, leading ladies, mo-mos, umaumas, Tetons (Grand), breasticles, senas, busten, pechos, Jayne Mansfields, Marilyn Monroes,

Masturbation

wank, beat off, beat your meat, spank it, spank the monkey, jerk it, jerk off, circle jerk, hand job, date with Rosie (Palms), squeeze the wheeze, please the wheeze, rub off, whack off, buzz off, crank the hog, flog the dog, (—the dolphin, the hog, the monk, the old sailor, etc.), circle the maypole, tickle the worm, jam the ham, stroke it, stroke the jamoke, spend a drop, self-service, pound the pud, pull the pud, auto-eroticism, make the gravy, cooking for one, dessert for one, polish the sword, do a hand load, small load, choke the chicken, strangle the snake, peeling the shrimp, whapping the pork, slapping the bacon, pounding the meat, torturing the toad, playing ring around old Rosie, opening the pressure relief valve, Therapeutic Prostatic Emptying (TPE), self-love, sex with the one you love most,  mash the button, stir the pudding, mash the muff, have it your way, bust a nut, extreme safe sex, the only safe sex, waste a Kleenex, sully yourself, sully the sheets, clear your weapon, go solo, solo flight, take a sleeping pill, play solitaire, use the bachelor’s (bachelorette's) do-it-yourself kit, fuck your fist, onanism, ringing the devil’s doorbell, dining alone, save yourself dinner and a movie, pet the giraffe (—the snake, the peacock, the otter, the mongoose, the badger, the mink, the weasel, the alpaca, the llama etc.), entertain oneself, pleasure yourself, self-pleasure, punishing Peter (or Percy), grease the dildo, grease the dibble,  waxing the knob, do BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend), toy time, frontplay, outercourse, talk to god (alone), tickle the pickle, flick the bean, polish the cucumber, wax the cuke (--carrot, zucchini, etc), diddle, diddle oneself, happy ending, give a sample, make a deposit at the sperm bank, make a donation, Hand Solo--Flying the Millennium Falcon, self-stimulation, trimming the wick, stress reliever, play with yourself, date down-under, pussy play, torture the tater, squeeze the spud, keep shakin' it, rub out a cramp, scratch an itch, pet the hamster (mouse, kitty, pussy, etc.), do it right, go to the secret garden, be the Lone Ranger, perform a belly landing, wet your panties, silkies, undies, etc., steam the silkies, self-service, self love, 'bate date, slay the monster, consolation prize, soil a sock, rub off, rub one off, rub one out, milk the bull, get a specimen, money shot, fire a registration round, fondle the frenulum, come alone, table for one, free night on the town, a rub and a tug, leave your game in the dressing room, clog the shower drain, pat the bunny, take a sleeping pill, dance alone, horizontal aerobics,