SHIT MY DOC SAYS
A long-time collection of various utterances from the mouth of the doc of the night, recorded in real time by scribes.

    •    Re: Manipulative Therapy.--"I'm not paying $100 for a neck massage. You could get a happy ending for that.
"

    •    "Let us go and snatch her from the jaws, nay, floss her from the very teeth of death." 


    •    "I guess they could do an assay for serum bat shit level."

    •    "Huzzah, Dr. Geargrinder actually did something useful!   Be still, my beating heart." 

    •    "Let's get Cray-Cray outta here. She gon' need an exorcist. We don’t have one of those on call.  A padre, but no exorcist.
"

    •    "No, I can’t do your toenails.  You’d need a farrier anyway.
"

    •    "First thing is to give her a cold vinegar douche and we'll go from there."


    •    "That's another one I'd like to haul through the phone and beat the fuck out of. 
"

    •    "I've gotta go download some nitrogenous waste and then I'll be back."

 
    •    On being “butt dialed” on voice page device: "No, I do not want to listen to you breathing heavily. It's an obscene Vocera call. (voice rises an octave) What are you wearing?
"

    •    To the resident: "You might not want to pick this one up, this late in the shift.  She usually comes in near death stewing in her own juices."


    •    "He looks like he escaped from Dachau." 


    •    "He looks like death warmed over. Just put him in a brown paper bag and microwave him. Keeps the moisture in."


    •    *referring to a totally sedated, comatose, intubated patient* "What a chatterbox. God, I thought we were never gonna get out of there." 


    •    Talking to the hospitalist, on the phone, awaiting another ER doc to take the call, a former Big 10 All-American linebacker—“I'll transfer you as soon as I see the continental drift approaching… Here he comes. I feel the earth move.”


    •    *Speaking to an alcoholic patient* "When you die they’ll bread-slice your liver and make sandals out of it.
"

    •    "We could just lace her Vodka with Coumadin. Here, Bitch, have some rat poison."


    •    referring to Dr. Bogart’s 'nurse-canceling headphones':  "Don't borrow them though, you'll catch hearing AIDS."


    •    "That one’s BATL: Been Alive Too Long."

     •    "Say you've got 100 lesbians and 100 Congress members in a room. What do you have?  200 people that don't do dick."

 
   •    Me-- seeing a patient’s name show up on the tracker— "Oh yeah that guy comes in all the time self-diagnosing. He always thinks he has pneumonia". - Dr Jones—“He hasn't been here for a year!". Me - "I still remember his name, and once again, his chief complaint is, ‘I think I have pneumonia.’”


    •    Talking about how he hates Dr. Y:  “I looked up Y in the Hindi dictionary and it means 'dick'.
"

    •    Talking about Dr. X:  "Look that one up, too.  It means 'Lazy'.
"

    •    "This rotund 65 year-old troll rose tonight from beneath the dank, dreary depths of her bridge to plague us tonight with her many unrelated complaints."


    •    "He’s just a case of acute on chronic asshole." 


    •    *referring to Nurse Ratched*  “She’s markedly improved, to sub functional.”

 
    •    Scribe—"What’s this one's diagnosis?"  
Me—"Death, acute on chronic." 
Scribe—"Epic probably doesn’t have that one." 
Me—"Unlucky bastard?
"  Scribe—"Don’t think Epic would have that one either." 
 Me—"Snake bit, then. I know they got that one.
"

    •    "That is one snake-bit motherfucker.
"         

    •    Nurse—"You gotta do something about that patient screaming in the back."   Doc—"We’re gonna order a muzzle and a ball gag."

 
    •    "Yes my handwriting was terrible. I had pee from the urine sample cup on my hand, and was trying not to get it on my pen." 


    •    *Referring to playing videos on the TV the tracker board:  "Bad idea.  I used to work with a guy who got us in trouble over that. - He wouldn’t play Disney movies on there, he would probably play Debbie Does Dallas; he had no shame.
"

    •    *to Dr Z* *** "You, being disgusted? That’s like a maggot gagging." 


    •    *loudly retching patient passes on a gurney* "You know what that is? That’s T. Rex for 'I love you!'-- Raaaawr!"

    •    Referring to an unseen patient in a room, retching audibly:  “It’s Ralph!”

    •    "I don’t know what it is about loud retching.  It just makes me laugh uncontrollably.  I can barely stifle my laughs and tears, as I stand there and say, “There-there, There-there .” It is sort of like watching dogs fucking.  Nothing to do but laugh.
"

    •    "Dr. Y? Oh, he underwent a personality bypass a long time ago. Complete success.
  That Neurosurgeon was a genius"

    •    Referring to an 84 year-old female drug seeker chronic pain patient - “She is a crusty nasty old gargoyle. If you went to the downtown cathedral and look up, you would see the left tower gargoyle is missing”. Also:  “You could stick her in a shallow pool with water streaming out her mouth and people would throw pennies at her”. 
 

•    Referring to a patient with an ankle injury  in a cast-splint:  “I doubt if she’ll be able to clump around on that thing, she may need a walker.”


    •    "Glasgow Coma Score of three? A bowl of jello has a GCS of 3. Hey what’s the difference between a bowl of jello and your wife? A bowl of jello moves when you lick it."


     •    "This is an acute exacerbation of chronic tortoise inversus. You find a tortoise on its back, waving its flippers, saying "Help me!  Help me!",  so you flip it over.  It right away flips back over and starts waving its flippers again."


    •    "Worst case of Dramatic Fever I have seen in years.


    •    "Positive for cocaine? How ‘80s."

 
    •    "All I’m saying is that there is a clinical correlation between homosexuality and how far a man’s shorts are above his knees."


    •    *referring to a patient positive for meth, MDMA, opiates, and cocaine, who was asking for Ativan for withdrawal and also wanted him to look at his genital sores*   “This one’s going to change the world. I can already see it.”


    •    "What do you think? Is the iPhone 4 that is disabled for two days a fair trade for Percocet and codeine? He said he has a back thing, I bet it’s really been bothering him."

 
    •     From a Nurse complaining about a patient at the end of her shift:  "I still have one more hour with her…"  Doc:  "Well she might die sooner than that. You have to be optimistic."

 
    •    Patient:  "I don't know the names of my medications...one pill is blue."  Doc:   "Hmmmm well I don’t know of many blue pills. The only ones I know of are naproxen for when you’re stiff, and Viagra for when you’re not." 


    •    *referring to Dr. Prattmonger* *** "Man when he started here he was god awful. Luckily now he’s just awful."


    •    *Third patient in a row comes in for some form of chronic pain*  "Well, I’d say it’s about time I go anger another narcotic seeker. Maybe if I suck his dick instead, he’ll give me a 5 on the Press Ganey Survey. That’s basically all I’m here for nowadays, not prescribing narcs and sucking dicks. Now that’s what emergency medicine is all about."

 
    •  "Dr Mandrake’s got two patients,  Dr. Mapplethorpe’s got four. They have all been back over three hours.  There are nine in the waiting room that have all been here over an hour and a half, and there isn’t an order to be found. Huzzah. I see we’ve really been working hard this evening."


    •    "My exam? Look at this prior visit note! Well first of all I disagree that she’s pleasant. Jesus fuck. That bitch is a troll,  an asshole, hell, I’d even say she meets See You Next Tuesday criteria. (Later) Hangs up the phone after hospitalist accepts the patient:  “Oh, you fool.” 


    •    "He doesn’t even inject, he just snorts heroin. What a pussy."


    •    "Fucking  *** (frequent flier)… Actually you should never say ‘fucking’ and ‘***’ in the same sentence. It demeans fucking, which is high in my pantheon of good things."

 
    •    (Quoting Dorothy Parker):   "Can you use horticulture in a sentence? You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think."


    •    (Regarding a rather large woman coming in by EMS) “Here’s the new one. She’s short of breath.” “Yeah, breath tried to sneak up on her and got scared away. Took one look and it was like ‘Aaah!’” 


    •    Discharge instructions dictated, not sent. “Return for any worsening of dramatic or traumatic adolescence.”


    •    "Sarah Vocera’s voice is quite suggestive, but she’s probably a 500 pound troll with more facial hair than I’ve got. But hey, you never know what you’ll get with a nine-hundred line."


    •    "Well the coffee’s going through me like a greased weasel, I’ve gotta go drop some urine off--give me a second."


    •    talking about the time he delivered a baby from a 12 year old. “Well, it turns out her uncle was playing hide the sausage with her. But at least we don’t have to start a new religion.”


    •    "How the fuck is Nursing Supervisor X still employed? —It ain’t for her administrative or clinical skills, that’s for sure. Either she has some serious blackmail going on, or maybe she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch."


    •    referring to a massively obese patient-- "If she got infected with flesh-eating bacteria, I’d only give her a year to live."


    •    after a nurse asks him a question about a patient in a specific room, "See, you have to remind me about who’s in what room, because you guys only have three of them and I’ve probably seen like 15 already. It’s like, which whore is by the bedpost now? There’s just too many of them."

    •    referring to a patient who has been constipated for the past 7 days: “You’ve gotta BE the turd, you can’t fight the turd.” 


    •    speaking to three County Sheriff officers who brought in a patient for a fit for jail exam: “I seriously commend you guys for not shooting more people. No really! If I were you guys I would be poppin’ motherfuckers left and right.” 


    •    To the cops:  "I was a policeman for one day.  Came back halfway through that first shift, and they said I had another 4 hours to go.  I said, I know, but I am out of ammo. Came back to reload.
"

    •    To a smoker: "Quit smoking or die trying!"  (he committed suicide 2 days later)


    •    To another smoker:  "You are standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. The Marlboro man has his boot on your ass and he is about to kick you off. Either quit smoking, or enjoy the view on the way down.
"

    •    To a constipated patient: "Use a suppository AND an oral laxative. I generally suggest that whenever you squeeze the toothpaste tube, you take the cap off first.
"

    •    To a vomiting patient:  "Use the suppository.  I don’t prescribe them because they are aesthetically pleasing.  I prescribe them because no one has ever vomited one up.  If YOU do, let me know.
"

    •    To a young woman needing a pelvic exam:  "I have done almost 20,000 pelvics in my life.  If you think I can remember one face to go with one specific bottom, you are mistaken.  It is a blur to me.  Like looking at an elbow. That is why we write this stuff down.
"

    •    "You are the captain of your ship. If the anchor is down, and the birds are chirping, nobody cares if you smoke a joint or have a couple of beers.  But if there is a storm, and brother, your life IS a storm, you can’t drive shit-faced. Didn’t work for the Exxon Valdez, and it won’t work for you.
"

    •    To a patient who says “I’ll try!” —(in Yoda growl):  “Try not.  Do, or do not.  There is no try.”


    •    "Oh, man...Those two obviously did not apply for their breeding permit in person.  Must have done the online option.
"

    •    "Further evidence for why cousins shouldn’t marry."

    •    "Charter members of the 'Greasy Glasses Guild'."


    •    "That poor kid...Bad Wigglies, Bad Eggs, Bad Upbringing...the Trifecta!  Never had a chance."


    •    To a mumbling drunk we can’t understand at all:  (in hoarse Klingon growl) "Dar ne baath ‘takk Klingon!!
"  (Drunk opens eyes wide, and shuts up.)

    •    "What is his malfunction?
"

    •    "Oh Fuck.  The short bus just unloaded.
"

    •   " Nursing homes have us zeroed!  Return fire!  Gomer mortars sighted and registered.  Fire when ready!  Rounds complete!
"

    •   On noting 5 simultaneous check-ins in triage:  "Torpedoes in the water!  All engines ahead flank, helm hard to starboard! Battle Stations!
"

    •    To sign out doc: "I have the con."  (sign out doc) "You have the con.
"

    •    (In British Sea-Captain accent) "Recheck on room three, at four bells of a late watch. Make a note for the log, if you please, Mr. Lamb."

    •    Still in British Sea-Captain mode:  "Oh, Huzzah!
"

    •    To the Tech: "Set up for a Cooter-gram.
"  Tech:  "What's a Cooter-gram?"  Doc:  "Oh My God!  Has no one oriented this poor child to night shift?"

    •    "Send a party to check on the lab. They haven’t been heard from in hours.  Perhaps they are overcome by fumes, or trapped under something heavy!
"

    •    Discharge instructions:  "Stop smoking. Seriously.
"

    •    "We're only waiting for a Party-Pack from Pharmacy, to discharge this patient.
"  Pharmacist approaches, laughing:  "I have your Party-Pack!"

    •    Me: "This patient needs a Dog Scan."   RN: "What’s a Dog Scan?"  Me:  "I’m not a cat guy.
"

    •    "We don’t need an IV, just call the phlebotomist for the bloods."  Patient:  "What’s a Fullbottomist?"  Doc:  "That is someone who likes big butts and cannot lie.
"

    •    "Had a C-section?  That’s just a womb with a view…
"

    •    lady actively having a miscarriage* *on the phone with OB* “she is passing a bunch of baby parts, and big clots.” “I’m not entirely sure, she definitely passed a thingamajig though.”

 
   •    In full sterile surgical gown, mask and gloves, attempting a sterile central line insertion while patient is trying to sit up under the surgical drape, and is actively heaving,   “It’s fine,  just squirt it (phenergan) in her mouth.”

    

    •    "What does 80 year-old poontang taste like?  Depends."

    •    “He has his head so far up his ass, he can only see when he opens his mouth.”

    •    “He has a brown ring around his neck, but you can only see it when he pulls his head out of his ass.”
 

    •    “Worst pseudo-seizure performance ever—He was flopping around on that gurney like a tuna on a short gaff.”


     •    “Can you outrun a Saber-Toothed Tiger?  Me neither.  Nobody lived to be this old 10,000 years ago.  If you couldn’t run faster than a Saber-Tooth, you were tiger poop.  We killed all the large predators off, so nowadays we age, accumulate aches and pains, and wait for bacteria and viruses to kill us.”

    •    "He’s a troll."  or, "He's a Common Bridge Troll."

    •    "Do you believe that last guy?  Just discovered the secret of fire, and knuckle-walked all the way down here to share his discovery."

    •    "If you need any proof of evolution, look no further.  There is your missing link."

    •    "And this fellow, my friends, is THE stunning counter-example to any assertion of White Supremacy.  Case dismissed."

    •    To a complaining nurse:  "What is the point of drawing a breath, if you can't bitch on the exhale?"

    •    "What is an adolescent male?  Only a mobile life-support system for an erection."

    •    "And the female counterpart?  Just mobile life support for pussy."

    •    "My job is to oppose the laws of nature, to battle and undo Darwinian Evolution. Sometimes I hate my job."

    •    "I am nothing but the lifeguard in the shallow end of the gene pool."

    •    "I am really just doing this for the stories they tell.  Every now and then someone even tells the truth. But, apparently, you CAN make this stuff up."

    •   "I usually just take the first three versions I get taking the history, and then average."

    •    "15 nights is not a long stretch.  35 is a long stretch.  But like eating an elephant, you do it one bite at a time. The trick is to develop a liking for elephant."

    •    putting down the phone after a Specialist consult: “How do I hate thee?  Let me count the ways…”

    •    "I’m sorry, but,  “I am not comfortable going home.” is not a diagnosis the insurance will accept to cause them to pay for your hospital stay.  You are welcome to stay, but at five grand a night, you could have had a pretty fantastic suite and room service at the Ritz."

    •    "Your admission is not up to me.  I give the story and findings to the Hospitalist, and they decide to admit or not.  I don’t even get a vote."

    •    Patient:  "I don’t want to be part of your ‘Experiment’."   Doc:  "You already are.  You are just in the volunteer Control Group.  Good luck with that."

    •    "Every single COVID variant arose in an individual patient, and spread from there. So each unvaccinated patient is nothing but a petrie dish to the virus.  Don’t be a petrie dish."

    •    "OMG, thank god those last two patients never mated…Can you imagine the spawn of THAT?"

    •    "I don’t think that child ever hears the word “NO!” They are raising a terrorist."

    •    "They did not, apparently, read the manual that came with the baby.  These things cry, puke, shit, pee, and will break your fucking heart." 

    •    “What did Dr. Google say?  Great! Thanks for saving me the head-scratching. I really don’t want to think today."

        "With everybody confined together at home, due to Covid, and with all the supply chain issues, it has become impossible to find a wife-beater shirt at Wal*Mart. Look, that guy's wife-beater is brand new.  He must have bought ahead. I bet he has a closet full of toilet paper, too."

        "That hand sanitizer in the wall dispensers is disgusting.  It doesn't go away, no matter how long you wipe your hands.  I think it is robot spooge."

        *grimacing after a bite of a hospital 'Sammich', Scribe:
"Was it good?"  Doc:  "I've had worse things in my mouth, but I can't actually remember an example right now."

         "Well,  another night, shot to hell.  See ya again tonight."

         On catching a totally unexpected, precipitate delivery baby, the patient with 'belly pain' looked over her abdomen and said, "That's not my baby!"  Me:  "Well, it is not mine, either."

        Upon extracting a studded silicone device from the vagina of a patient with a complaint of a month of malodorous discharge, she looked at it and said, "What is THAT??"  Me:  Well, colloquially, it is known as a 'cock ring'.  Patient: "Where did it come from??"  Me:  It was in your vagina.  Patient: "But I haven't had sex in a month!"  Me:  Well, that does explain the odor.  Patient: "Oh My God, I am going to kill that bastard!"

        Coming back from a particularly horrifying and accidental view of someone's genitals:  "Give me the retinal Brillo pads!  I have to scratch that off my retinas!"

        "Here, hold this pencil up for me.  I am going to poke my eye out."

        "Don't make me stab you in the eye with my pen!"

        "Don't make me take my earrings out.  Girlfriend,  I will FIGHT YOU!"

        Upon finding the last small Diet Pepsi at 0300 in the EMS fridge:  "America, Fuck Yeah!"

        At 0200, on first contact, "I want to see the Cardiologist!"  Doc: "I'd keep a watch for unicorns.  They are much more common at this hour.  But if I see a Cardiologist, I will let you know."

        Examining a young male gunshot victim with multiple gang tats:  "What happened?  Wait, don't tell me--you were minding your own business!"

        "Who is on for Urology?"  Sec'y: "Dr. Nastiness.  Do you want me to call her?"   "Oh, fuck....  No,  I would rather vomit blood. I will figure out another way around this."     

        After an Admin briefing on why we are out of beds, and nurses, but cannot call an internal disaster  code to get help:  "OK! That was inspiring. We will fight on, we will cope, we will prevail!  Am I the only one with a little vomit in the back of my throat? "

        On examining a patient under arrest, to certify as 'fit for jail'.  "Fit for jail, and not much else.  He should fit in just fine."

        Asking a patient with a tummy ache about bowel habits: "Are you an every-day pooper, or a skipper?  A skipper?  Ah, I thought so."

        On a surprisingly non-busy Friday night shift: “I always know, if it is raining too hard to keep a cigarette lit on the way to the car, it is gonna be a 'Q' night.  This is 'Christopher's First Law of Acuity.'”

       "Welcome to the Shit-show!!"

       Quoting Monty Python's King Arthur, "Run Away!"

       On hearing that Child Protective Agency personnel are coming in:  "Naah.  I don't believe that for a minute. I don't believe in Unicorns, either.  I have seen just as many unicorns as CPA personnel, which is none, and I don't expect that to change."

    In British Naturalist voice:  "Bless my soul, but I have beheld a rare Consultant in the flesh! This is a diurnal creature, rarely seen, even by day, and never seen at night!  I shall record this in my field notes for Posterity!  Rather drab, in non-breeding plumage, wouldn't you say?"

    Quoting Dorothy Parker, "What fresh Hell is this?"

     Awaiting an almost certainly failed resuscitation coming by ambulance:  "You might want to save some time and lifting work.  Just put a body bag on the gurney, cover it with the sheets, and we'll be ready to go when we call this code." 

    "Tag 'em and Bag 'em."

    Doc:  "You said in the triage that your pain level is a 'Ten'. I need to understand that better.  So you feel this pain is the worst you can imagine?  Can you imagine crapping out a 10-pound bowling ball studded with razor blades, and then sitting in a hot vinegar bath?  Is it worse than that?"

    Patient: "They gave me a shot last time.  It started with 'D'."  Doc:  "Hmmmm, a 'D', eh?"  Strokes chin and gazes off in the distance..."I can't think of what that might have been..."  Patient: DeLaLa or something."  Doc:  "Hmmmmm. Not ringing any bells for me.  Well, anyway, we have a new cocktail for Migraine, and we are going to go with that."  Patient:  "Dilaudid, I want Dilaudid!"  Doc:  "Sorry, that is not on the menu tonight.  But thanks for clarifying what you came here for." 

    "This is the worst pain I have ever had!"  Doc:  "You are young still.  Worse, much worse is in store for you."

    Seeing patient 'X' on the waiting room list, with 4 hours of waiting time already logged:  "I can see my colleagues have been anxious to see this one.  I cannot face a night starting with that one.  He is just going to have to wait a bit longer, until I see a few other worthy supplicants."

    Patient:  "If you don't give me a Dilaudid shot, I will kill myself."  Doc:  "Uh, we will be taking this up after we move you to the psych holding area."  Patient:  "You can't do that!"  Doc:  "You took the decision out of my hands.  I take all threats of suicide seriously."  Patient:  "I was lying!"  Doc:  "Shoulda thought of that before you said it. At this point, I have a credible threat of suicide, an admitted liar who will say whatever he thinks I want to hear, and no choice at all."  Doc to Scribe: "Hashtag: SorryNotSorry.  Hashtag:  GoAheadMakeMyDay." 

    Also to Scribe regarding the suicidal drug seeker:  "Killing yourself is the LAST thing we want you to do."

    "We need the interpreter for this next patient. (looking for the portable video interpreter on wheels)  Where is the Confuserator?"  "Where is the Hispanicator?"

    "I have developed a new machine for the measurement of pain.  We have a box that generates DC current, and a rheostat dial that increases the current steadily, marked with a scale of zero to ten.  Then we place alligator clamps on the nipples of the patient, hooked up to this device, and ask them to dial up the dial until the pain equals their complaint pain.  When they stop at three, or whatever, we record their pain scale.  Genius, eh?  I call it, modestly, the Christopher Excruciometer."

    On leaving the room of a shouting, skeletal, nearly toothless, disoriented patient, writhing violently in handcuffs, with multiple self-inflicted excoriations on the face and body, "Mmmm, I have got to try some of that Meth.  Seems like good stuff."

    On his first day on the West Coast, seeing his very first patient with Methamphetamine-induced psychosis:  "Ahhh...So that is a Tweaker! I can honestly say I have never seen one before.  Huzzah, I have beheld a Western Tweaker!  I shall record it in my field notes."

    On the importance of discharges as a priority:  "Get 'em OUTTA here!  Discharge takes priority over everything but CPR in progress, and knife in the eye.  I hate knife in the eye."

    To a patient:  "Anything else you need?  I will be right  back with a warm blanket and a glass of water."  To the scribe:  "That will give them that 'Illusion of Caring'.  That is what we purvey here.  It is important that you sell it properly."

    After seeing a well-appearing, picture-of-health child with a runny nose and anxious parents: "Another dyin' baby...Throw it on the pile out back when it stops moving around."

    "Antibiotics? Antibiotics won't help this viral infection.  They will only give you side effects.  I can give you a nice case of diarrhea, and a yeast infection, so you can sit on the toilet pooping and scratching, but you have troubles enough as it is."

    "These are some pretty potent laxatives, so you are gonna be on a short leash to the potty for the next 12 hours or so. Bring a good book." 

    To a youngish  smoker with chest pain, worried about a heart attack:  "You are worried this is a heart attack?  Let's see...You are young, have some family history of heart disease, and you smoke.  You can't pick your parents, and you won't stay young.  The only risk factor you get to choose is smoking.  That one factor is in your hands.  Quit smoking.  If you won't do that, you are not worried ENOUGH."

    "We can bail you out from disaster for today, but if you keep smoking, it is like me bailing, and you shooting holes in the bottom of your own boat.  Not a lot of point to it.  But the good news is,  I can swim..."  

    To a patient with a threatened miscarriage:  "You need to rest.  Be the Queen of Sheba.  No lifting, no cleaning, stay home on the couch.  You need pelvic rest, too.  That means no sex, no tampons, no douching.  Don't even read "50 Shades of Gray".  You don't want to stir anything up."     To the boyfriend accompanying the patient:  "Sorry about it, Dude."

    On seeing a patient lining up at triage:  "Ah, another Player steps to the window for chips...Welcome to St. Cuthbert's Casino-Hospital, where the stakes are high, the odds are pretty fair, but nobody goes home rich, and some players don't ever go home."

    "Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen!  It's time to play 'Beat the Reaper!' "

    Scribe:  "You really got that one right!"  Doc, in fluent Redneck: "Naaah.  Even a blind pig'll find a acorn sometime."

    To a young child while looking in their ears during an exam:  "Hey, you got some pretty good brains in there!  Hope you use them!"

    Usual review of systems question:  "Have you coughed up any mice, or worms?"

    After hearing an unusually convoluted and made-up Rube Goldberg story of self-inflicted, unintended trauma:  "I hate when that happens!"      

    Scribe:  "That nurse is an Angel!"  Doc:  "Yeah?  Ya Think?  Well I just want to remind you that Lucifer was an Angel.  And good-looking, too!"

    It is the nature of people to worry.  If we were more like dogs, we'd be better off.  We worry about the meaning of everything, and IS THIS THE END?? A dog will limp in with an obviously broken leg, and worry only about the next butt to sniff.  We need to be like dogs. But we just can't. We just worry. We are failures."

    Scribe:  "That guy is a dream."  Doc:  "Nightmares are dreams, you know.  Be careful what you wish for..."

    "Never marry a mean drunk."  

     "Room 6 is here because he’s had less than half an hour of belly pain, and apparently needs a gynecologist. He’s a pussy."


    Review of systems question when the line of answers is 'Pan-Positive':  "Do you get a burning pain between your eyes when you urinate?"  To Scribe:  "That is 'Retro-Bulbar Micturalgia'.   No shit.  I did not make it up.  It is totally bogus, but when someone answers 'Yes' to that, you know they are full of shit."

    "That is what 10 pounds of bullshit in a 5 pound bag looks like." 

    Patient receiving numbing injection and reacting to the pain:  "Oh my GOD!"  Doc:  "Just call me Doctor.  I get a little embarrassed when patients put me on a pedestal like that."

    Doc, noting the time at 0400:  "Ah, eight bells at last. Send the larboard watch to the crosstrees and set a reef in the t'gallants.  Still an hour to go on this tack before we turn for home."

    Doc:  "It's 5:00, finally.  This shift has crawled by.  In this last hour, you will need to be dying to get any interest from me."  Nurse:  "Doc, we need you STAT in the Trauma Bay."  Doc:  "Fuck.  Your timing is exquisitely bad,  Sir.  No consideration at all...What the fuck were you doing on a ladder at oh-three hundred, anyway?"

    "They can hurt us, but they can't stop the clock."

    Call bells are ringing constantly, unanswered by skeleton crew on nights of late.  Doc:  "Let me struggle into my white panty-hose and Nursemates white slides, and I will go answer that call bell."

    On seeing a patient in severe respiratory distress:  "Jeez, did you see that guy?  His face looked like a galvanized bucket."

     Doc:  "His skin was the color of a can of 'Dap' window putty."  Scribe:  "How do you want me to record that?"  Doc:  "OK, no room for simile or metaphor in a chart, god forbid.  He was gray, cyanotic, pasty.  That medical enough for you?" 

    "That guy had the complexion of a galvanized bucket."

    "That guy was dumber than a potted plant."

    "Is your mother still taking complaints on your upbringing and behavior??  Because she and I need to talk."

    "Fair??  Did you just say that is not FAIR?  Life is not fair, son, and anybody who says any different is lying to you.  Did your mother fail to convey this to you at an early age?"

    Patient, on hearing there will be no narcotics given tonight:  If I can't get a prescription, I will have to use street drugs."  Doc:  "That is a choice you have, for sure."  Patient:  "So you want me to go use street drugs, is that what you are saying?"  Doc:  "No, I am not saying that at all.  I am saying you have choices.  One of these is street drugs.  That would be the worst of many choices, but it is a choice you can make.  I do NOT recommend it.  I do recommend you get into a pain clinic and deal with this with help and control.  But this is not a pain clinic, I am not a pain medicine expert, and I cannot prescribe narcotics for you."     Patient:  "Well,  I will be back to Heroin, and it is all your fault." Doc:  "Sigh...Your entire life is my fault, by that logic, but I am not taking responsibility for your entire life."

    Suicidal Patient post overdose:  "You don't care about me!"  Doc:  "We all care about you.  The problem is, we care about you more than you care about you.  I hope we can inspire you to care at least as much as we do." 

    Patient:   "Doc, what will happen to me with this COVID thing?"  Doc:  "Hard to predict, in your particular case..."  Patient:  "What good are you, then?"  Doc:  "Sir, we study herds, so I can tell you what a herd of people, with roughly your same appearance will do.  I cannot tell what any individual animal in the herd will do.  If three percent die, I can't say in advance that you will be one of the lucky animals or one of the unlucky ones.  I can only tell you what your chances are. But I cannot admit every one in the herd to wait it out, either. The unlucky ones get sicker, and we admit them.  You don't WANT to be in THAT group." 

    Respiratory Therapist prepping a patient for Doc to intubate, wheels in video GlideScope.  Doc: (in best Spaghetti Western accent)  "We don't need no STEENKIN' GLIDESCOPE!  HaHaHa..." (back to normal voice) "You should know me by now.  I will need a Miller #4 Laryngoscope.  For me it is always 'Miller Time'."  RT:  "You are Old School."  Doc:  "You know that's right!"

    Referring to new doc doing admissions:  "OMFG, she is setting the new standard for slow...Let's drive a stake next to her, and see if she is actually moving.  Consult the Glaciologist."

    After a resident records extremity exam as 'normal', on a patient with bilateral amputations of the legs below the knees:  "Nice pickup."

    "You couldn't kill that one with a hatchet."

    "That Chinese character tattoo on your left chest--did they tell you what it means?" Patient:  "It means 'Friend'.  Doc:  "No, actually, it is the character for 'Breast'." 脯

    "They are so damn cheap with the toilet paper here.  Every time you use it, you wind up with a brown-haired finger puppet, wearing a Dutch Masters ruffled collar."

    "That is hell, breaking both wrists at once. I don't know what he's gonna do for toilet hygiene.  Maybe he can tie a loofah-on-a-rope to a couple of eye-bolts in  his bathroom, and just throw a leg over."

    Just back from an obligatory med staff meeting:  "That went on way too long.  I usually pre-medicate for those meetings with a Compazine suppository, but mine was wearing off in the last hour.  I nearly blew chips by the end."

    Calling an older patient "Young Feller," the patient objects, saying, "I am older than you are!"  Doc:  "There I have you, because they print your birthday out on your chart, so I know how old you are.  Thanks for the flattery, but I was born in the first Eisenhower administration, went to High School in the 60s, college and Med School in the 70s, and I am on Medicare.  You are a Young Feller to me!"

    "The complaint says, 'Vomiting Diarrhea.'  I hate when  they vomit diarrhea."

    "That guy had it bad...he shit out his tonsils, and vomited up his asshole." Or, "He said he vomited up a chewy ring, with hair on it...Turns out it was his asshole!"

     On hearing a familiar voice, a frequent flier cyclic vomiting patient, vomiting and keening in triage, "Oh Fuck.  I hear Alphonse out there. Don't you recognize that song?"

      Upon hearing that a frequent flier of may years tenure had died:  "Really? Never thought that would ever happen. Oh, well, they are like sharks' teeth anyway.  One drops out, and another just like it rotates into place."

    "Some days you thank god for yoga pants, and some days you curse god for yoga pants..." 

    "People have to be reminded, Spandex is a privilege, not a right."

    To a tech, after a history, before going back for an exam, "Can you ask her to get her out of her clothes and into a gown, please?  You may need paint remover, though, because those are spray-on jeans."

    "Oh, look!  It is almost 0400, which is almost 0500, and that is nearly 0600.  We will survive this shift yet!"

    "I love when patients say, "Well to tell you the truth, Doc...", because I know what follows that is always a lie."

    "I need to calculate the Tattoo-to-Tooth ratio for that one. It may be the highest on record."

    "His IQ is lower than his belt size.  We'll need to use small words in the discharge instructions."

    "I need to go to the Necessarium.  Back in a few..."

    "Hang on a few minutes.  I've got to download some used groceries."

    "It is actually no use talking to these young people.  They have no capacity for abstract rational thought.  The electrician is not done yet, the brain is not wired fully, and won't be, until they hit 27 or so.  You are a work in progress, my fine  young Scribe,  just on the cusp of acquiring abstract frontal lobe function.  Girls are completed a few years earlier than boys, on average, but many times the electrician just quits in mid-job.  Then you have the average person, a case of arrested development, with no capacity for deeper understanding, and no hope of acquiring that capacity, either.  Mazlov's pyramid with the point cut off.  I myself was an utter mook until I was 28 or so.  Just sayin'.  Sad, but that is reality for our species."

    "You know why nobody cares about history?  Think back to High School...Who taught History?  The football coach. He had to teach something to keep his job, and it usually winds up being History."

    While sewing up a laceration:  "I am so glad I watched that YouTube video on how to do this just last night!  Everything is exactly the way they showed it!"

    "These Computer System Administrators are crazy.  The doc who is the 'Chief Information Officer' is a 30-something, and cannot understand why I can't log on from home through double-layer verification and 32-bit encryption, on the mobile device of my choice.  I am NOT a digital native.  I am not even a digital illegal alien."

    To the new Gen X or whatever residents starting a rotation:  "You see this?  It is an archaic device made of pulverized bleached softwood, mechanically imprinted with black pigment, containing the wisdom of the ages.  It is called a 'Book'.  I still use these to remember stuff, and to broaden my knowledge of other stuff.  I have a stack of them on this shelf here, full of useful bits of information.  You may use them any time you like."

    Coming out of a room after visits with a "three-fer", three kids of the same family all brought at the same time with a variety of complaints:  (in a Smeagol hiss and rasp) "We HATESES Hobbitses!"

    Coming out of another room with Mom, FOB and baby:  "Breeding Permit REVOKED!"

    On seeing the waiting room list over 20, and 3 hour waits the average, "Well, Troops, we are in a target-rich environment tonight.  I feel like I am in an Apache helicopter with a full combat load, cleared 'hot', and orbiting over a Taliban convention."

    At pronouncement of death of a John Doe, who happened to have an unusually large penis:  "Check his wallet for a driver's license." Nurse: "Do we still need a name for him?" Doc:  "No, I just hope he has an organ donor endorsement on his license."

    In reference to a haughty Consultant:  "He has delusions of competence."

    In response to an obviously insincere apology from a verbally aggressive and insulting patient:  Patient:  "I am sorry."  Doc:  "You sure ARE!"

    Walking out of a room after a visit with a massively whiny male patient:  (Doc does impressive lat spread in Gerard Butler fashion and growls)  "We are SPARTAAA!"

    "I don't care anymore...OK, THAT is a LIE!  ...I never DID.  I used to pretend better, but not anymore." 

    "Does this Isolation Gown make my ass look fat?"

    After asking a patient about frequency of bowel movements, the patient reveals she goes three times a day, and it is generally solid.  Doc:  "Hey, thanks for sharing."

    After a patient with a laceration asks, "What is that yellow stuff coming out of the cut?"  Doc:  "That is fat.  Doesn't mean YOU'RE fat, it is just your stuffing.  You are just Raggedy Ann with your stuffing coming out.  Gotta sew up that seam, so your stuffing doesn't fall out!"

    Patient:  "Boomer don't know nothing about Rap Music!"  Doc:  "I do too know what Rap is:  That's when 'Bad' goes to Verse."

    Referring to Rap:  "I get yelled at by angry youths all the time.  I get paid for that.  I do NOT pay angry youths to yell at me." 

    Referring to Country Music:  "I also don't ever pay rednecks to whine at me about how tough their lives are.  They have to pay me."

    To a young male patient with a swollen hand who gave the history, "I punched the wall."  Doc:  "I know, the Wall had it coming!  That wall said something about my Momma, I'd punch it, too!"  And in discharge instructions:  "Next time, speak harshly to the wall. Avoid physical violence with inanimate objects. Curse. Call it names.  Don't punch."

    A particularly large, ugly and frowning frequent flyer is brought in by ambulance, seated upright in lotus position on the stretcher, giving everyone the stink-eye on the way in. The ambulance attendants are eye-rolling audibly as they pass. After they pass and are roomed safely out of sight and sound, Doc says, in hoarse, entirely accurate Jobba-the-Hut impression, "HOH-HOH-Hoh-hoh Soloooo!"

    "Pro tip:  If you have to fart, go check on a demented or unconscious patient and do it there, so you can blame it on them."

    Asked by a nurse to help place a Foley catheter in an obese male, Doc asks, "What is the problem?" Nurse replies,"He's so fat, we can't find his penis. There is just a hole there."  Doc says, "OK.  You will press down flat on his belly with both hands around the spot, and I will grab it when it pops out, and do the catheter.  Time to play 'Whack-a-Mole!' "

    Nurse:  "Turn up the heat in here.  Aren't you cold??"  Doc:  "Are you kidding?  Look at me.  I am a bacon-wrapped scallop.  I never get cold."

    During a rectal exam on a 30-something man with a complaint of dark stools and bellyache, the patient exclaims, "Oh, my God!"  Doc says, "Just call me Doctor."  Patient says, "After this, I am gonna call you Daddy!"  Doc admits later that he was totally gobsmacked.  No response was even possible...

    "Life's too long."

    "OMFG, her ass looked like 55 gallons of cottage cheese caught in a hair net!"

    To a smoker:  "Listen,  This experiment has already been run a million times.  The smoking rats do much worse than the control rats.  This is not an experiment that needs repetition, and yet rats keep signing up for it.  Don't be yet another lab rat on the wrong side of this experiment."

    In a sweet southern accent, to the mother of a 5-y.o. child, cursing a stream of very adult language:  "How nice.  How very nice."

    After calling a code that was clearly futile from the start:  "This was such a waste of effort and emotion. I don't know what the fuck people expect.  We do resuscitation, not resurrection."

    Of an anxious Pediatrician:  "OMG does he ever have his bowtie on too tight!"

    To another Pediatrician:  "It helps to remember, 'Children are just small adults!'"  To the Scribe:  I love to make their bowties spin around..."

    "I am only a single species Veterinarian.  I could never be a Vet.  I am not as smart as a Vet.  They know how to fix a whole bunch of species."  

    "My theory is, the more evil a person was to their relatives, the more the relatives have to pretend to care that he or she has 'EVERYTHING POSSIBLE' done to keep them alive. Therefore, the patients we are forced to torture, long past all reasonable hope, are the ones who earned it."  ("At least I hope I am right.")

    "Holy fuck!  I have been in Covid Hell for more than 2 hours.  This isolation gown is so hot, I have pitted my scrub top out, to the point that my sweat from each armpit makes a Venn diagram in the front and back.  My Tommy Johns are in a wet knot, and I can't even sit down to chart without leaving a wet spot!  I gotta go shower, change scrubs, and just go commando."

    "Loved the conspiracy-theory t-shirts on those last two.  Don't believe in masks.  Don't believe in vaccines.  Do believe in "hydroxy".  Do believe in China Virus Hoax. Get up in my grill when I suggest a Covid test for their cough symptoms and fever.  Rat-Lickers.  Motherfucking Rat-Lickers."

    Responding to a patient's declaration that he won't take any "Big Pharma" prescriptions, Doc: "I am sorry, I am not sure what you hope I can do for you then, if I can't prescribe something to help."  Patient:  "That's all a scam."  Doc:  "Okay, so how can I help you? (long pause) Well, there IS a Christian Science Reading Room down on Second Street.  But, (looking at watch) they closed at 5, and they don't have an emergency room."

    Returning from a meet-and-greet with a new doc recruited to the staff:  "I had the experience of eating lunch sitting across from him.  He was, uh, enthusiastic, eating and talking at the same time.  It was like sitting in the front row of a Gallagher Concert!"

    After an encounter with a screaming, spitting adolescent:  "Sorry, my practice is limited to human beings.  I don't treat wildcats or badgers, or whatever the fuck that thing was."

    "They ain't made a machine yet that can measure how little I care about that."

    Coaching the people doing chest compressions during CPR:  "Faster! Harder! Deeper! Don't stop!  Yes!!! Just like that!" 

    In announcer voice:  "It is the final period in The Hockey Game of Life! Death has the puck on a breakaway, Christopher in goal!  Death fakes left and fires a vicious wrist shot low to the glove side! Christopher stops it with a diving catch, and the crowd goes WILD!!!!

    To a crying, stranger-shy toddler of a Spanish-speaking family, "It's OK.  El Viejo feo (the ugly old man)  is leaving!"

    To a patient with neck strain after an accident:  "I am going to give you a soft collar to wear.  It just keeps you in a neutral position.  You can wear it in the day if you want, or not. It is definitely a fashion statement.  But DO wear it to sleep for the next week or so.  At night you don't protect your neck when you sleep, and get into funky positions for hours,  which will cause spasm.  You wake up in the morning looking like Ray Charles." (rocks back and forth with head and neck held in lockstep with his shoulders, a la the late great singer).  "You will then be back here with 'Ray Charles Syndrome'."

    Returning from the rest room:  "OMFG, we need to get some fiber into Dr. Skidmark's diet!  He just dropped a gator-strangler in there, and then didn't stick around to see that the flush failed.  He lit it UP! I need to go back there with a forked stick, and make sure it is safe to enter."

    Returning from the restroom:  "I cannot go so long between visits to the Necessarium.  I hadn't had a moment to pee all shift.  I sounded like a Baptist Revival Tent in there. The people in the hall outside were shouting "Amen!" and "Yes, Lord!"  I still got goosebumps!  Say HalleLUjah!"

    "The best thing about work is, I come here, talk to nurses and get ignored.  At home I get ignored, too, but at least here, I get paid to get ignored."

    Upon hearing the nurses making 'AAawwwWW!' noises at the ambulance bay, Doc says, "Somebody brought in a baby or a puppy.  Nurses only make that noise for babies or puppies."

    Scribe:  "What a cute baby!"  Doc:  "Yeah, the mostly all start out that way, but they turn into assholes pretty soon."

    To a nurse requesting a med for a patient:  "I entered an order on the chart.  Wait, let me re-phrase that...I left a 'suggestion' on the chart.  We don't do 'orders' anymore, apparently. And you nurses just do what you want, anyway."

    At an Admin-called staff meeting regarding worsening overcrowding and boarding in the department,  and exhortations to work together to get through the rough times ahead, the Admin says, "Remember, guys:  There is no 'I' in 'TEAM'!"   Doc, in low whisper in the back:  "Yeah, but there are two 'U's in 'Go Fuck Yourself'!"

    Upon leaving a room with a loquacious patient, whose story of why she came to the ER tonight began from her childhood:  "OMFG, I thought we'd never get out of there.  That woman could talk the ears off an acre of corn!"

    "I always teeter on the knife edge between Humor and Human Resources..."

    Patient with belly pain, upon hearing that the evaluation is normal, except for large quantities of very prominent solid stool in the colon:  "Are you trying to tell me this is all just constipation??"  Doc:  Well nothing else serious appears to be the cause, and you DO have a large quantity of stool in your abdomen."  Patient:  I cannot possibly be constipated.  I have a bowel movement every day!"  Doc:  "This is a problem well known to anybody in retail sales.  You can have a shipment every day, and still have way too much inventory in the warehouse.  You need to have a yard sale, and clear out all that backlog.  We have the technology, tools, and weapons to get that done, but I wouldn't make any plans for the next couple of days..."

    To the constipated patient's wife, smirking at the news:  "I see you smiling over there.  I know you have been telling him he is full of crap for years, and it turns out your were right!"  Imitating the wife-to-husband, hands on hips:  "Told ya!"

    "I ADVISED that asshole to leave against medical advice."

    Patient:  "I am going to have a wicked hangover in the morning."  Doc:  "Good.  You've earned it!"  Patient:  "Don't you have something for a hangover?"  Doc:  "Sure, but I want you to remember this one."

    "Let's just prescribe a course of 'Azifayekaromycin' for this guy, and get him out of here.  And maybe a shot of 'Shutthefuckup' for the road."

    "That's the third time we have seen that guy with marijuana-induced vomiting.  He just won't believe us that marijuana does that to some people, and that they have to quit for a month, just to get better.  The literature refers to this syndrome as 'Scromiting'.  Seriously.  That's what they call it.  I think that is a word derived from the Latin for "Vomiting up your Scrotum."

    Just back from vacation, the doc says, "I went in a guide boat to go salmon fishing. It was all men on the boat, three big old guys from Nebraska, and the guide and me.  We were chatting with him about how he got into guiding tourists for fishing trips, and he said, "I made the worst mistake of my life.  I took what was my greatest passion and pleasure, and turned it into my business."  Doc said, "I know exactly what you mean!  I am a retired Gynecologist!"

    Just an hour into the shift Doc says, "Oh, Lord...that last patient done broke my Giveashitter.  And it is early."

    After leaving a patient who insists that 98.6 degrees is a fever for her, because she "always runs   96.0."  Doc:  "That one is shit outta luck.  I am not qualified to take care of extraterrestrial beings.  We don't have an Exobiologist on the call roster?  No?  I thought not.  A Quantum Mechanic, perhaps?  No?Pity." 

    Demonstrating the lancing of a large boil for a medical student:  "The experienced clinician will angle the blade like so." (entering the lesion from the side, producing a jet of pressurized pus that misses them both.)  "The Newbie just pokes it, and either becomes the Artful Dodger, or wears pus and blood until he or she can get a new scrub top." 

    "Science has just discovered that female snakes have clitorises.  More amazing than that, is that they have TWO clitorises!  It is embarrassing that this fact eluded us for all this time, but it does explain the forked tongue."

    Returning from a particularly malodorous patient's room:  "OMFG, that was rough.  I couldn't choose which was worse, mouth breathing or nose breathing, so I opted for straining the air through my teeth.  (imitates Darth Vader)  Fuck, that was a corn-studded fart.  I need to floss, STAT!  Let's go get some tic-tac before we go back.  It will take one in each nostril and an OSHA compliant N-99 mask to tackle that room again." 

    Sees a patient named 'Smith', with unaccented 'murrican speech, who has checked 'Hispanic' on his demographic box on the intake form. "Glad I didn't waste time dragging the translator machine in there.  I don't think he's Hispanic, do you?  Looked like an Average White Boy to me.  Maybe he's Hispan-ish."  

    Sees a massively obese frequent flyer and says:  "She was the annual 'Poster Girl' for the Anorexia Nervosa Foundation."  Scribe:  "What are you talking about??"  Doc:  "She battled Anorexia for years, and won.  The battle was a complete and utter rout.  She ANNIHILATED Anorexia."

    Upon hearing that the Nurse Manager wanted to meet with him later, doc says, "Damn.  I wasn't prepared for that.  I never meet with Admin without knee-high boots and a forked stick."

    "We have had unbelievable luck at Mullet-hunting this past week.  The annual rut must be starting."

    "He is such a fucking SLUG!  You don't need to take a history from him.  Just go behind him, pick up his slime trail, and you can follow his whole life backwards."

   Doc, stepping over a frequent flyer on the floor, staging an obvious pseudo-seizure:  "Michael, get up.  We don't have time for that tonight."  Patient stops and gets up. 

   "That one is clearly BSC--Bat Shit Crazy."

    "That case mysterified me completely." 

    A demented little old lady from a room down the hall calls out plaintively, "Hello?"  Doc says, "Hey, Adele is here!"

    Doc and scribe leave a room after seeing a patient with multiple vague complaints, who has determined that only Lyme Disease can explain her symptoms.  Doc:  "I am from the East Coast, where Lyme was common, and people with 'Flyme Disease', Fear of Lyme Disease' outnumber the real deal 3-4 to one.  Out here, it is quite rare, and it is more like 20-30 to one.  She wants testing, but she won't accept negative results, because we are all stupid uncaring doctors who never heard of a false negative test, and can't diagnose what is obvious Occult Lyme Disease.  She wants antibiotics, and when that doesn't work for her symptoms, she will want another three week course.  When she starts shitting actual blood, she will look that up, and blame me for her very real Clostridium difficile Colitis.  Then she will need a month of antibiotics for that.  Fear-mongering from Oprah Wifrey and her ilk are the cause of all this, and nobody is suing HER for disseminating disinformation...Arrrrggghhh.

    Patient says, "You are an OLD Doc!  I hope that means you know more than these young ones."  Doc says, "Yep, I am old, but must be the dumbest one in my medical school class.  The rest are all retired already!"

    Doc:  "That's an interesting name...Where's it from?"  Patient:  "I'm Italian."  Doc:  "Really?  I am half Italian myself.  But only from the waist down,"

    Patient:  "I need crutches."  Doc:  "We can sure try.  But given your weight, bra size, and the fact that you haven't lifted anything heavier than a Grande double mocha pumpkin spice Latte in years, I think it will be a walker that will serve you best."

    Nurse:  "Can I ask you a question?"  Doc:  "You just did."  Nurse:  "Can I ask you another question?"  Doc:  "Same answer."  Nurse:  "Can I ask you two questions?"  Doc:  "Now you are catching on."

    "That girl is harder than woodpecker lips."

     Doc, looking at belly X-ray with patient:   "You see all that clumpy stuff all over?  That's poop!" Patient:  I am having diarrhea.  I can't be constipated!  You don't know what you are talking about." Doc:  "You can definitely have both constipation and diarrhea.  That is just a trout stream burbling over the rocks..."

    Looking at a patient with multiple surgeries for skin cancer:  "The trouble is, after they take off so much skin, you get so tight that every time you squinch your eyes down hard, it pulls your foreskin back."

    Doc:  "I am just 'Redneck Dr. Spock' to these upriver gals with young-uns.  I generally advise Moms that when the child grows a full set of teeth and starts smoking, it it time to wean him."

    At first shift after a European vacation:  "Oh my god, I have returned to the land of female mustaches and back titties!"

    Chiming in with the usual earnest send-offs to the departing shift, of "Drive safe!" and "Be careful going home!!" from the nurses...  Doc: "Drive Fast!  Take Chances!"

    Nurse says, "Doc, you are so funny!  You should do stand-up comedy!"  Doc says, "I already do.  The definition of 'Stand-up Comedy' is me, in a men's restroom, at the urinal."

    "He suffers from terminal phallocephaly...He's a Dick Head." Or, "That guy is totally phallocephalic."

    "Women are immediately attracted to the man with the prominent lump in his trousers.  No, the one behind his right hip, not the one in the front."

    "Young fellas, you want to find yourself a gal that likes to drive on the rumble strip once in a while, just because it feels good on her taint."

    Discussing HIPAA privacy regulations with a colleague, Doc says, "This HIPAA thing is tough for everybody.  Even docs and nurses don't know how to spell it, and patients think there is a law against violating HIPPOs.  There might be a law, I don't know, but HIPPOs do make a god-awful noise when you violate them."

    On Pain:  "People think they understand pain, or can describe pain with a fucking 'Pain Scale'.  Until you have had chronic pain due to neuropathy, you don't understand pain. I understand.  I have had the kind of pain that would make you want to suck-start a Smith and Wesson." 

    Patient:  "Don't you condescend to me!"  Doc:  "Hold on there, little lady...that's a pretty big word you are using there.  Are you sure that means what you think it means?"

    "My wife is a saint, a saint among women, putting up with me.  She has the patience of a murder hornet."

    "The wife has moved past 'For better or worse,'  all the way to 'Til Death do us part.'  I am reduced to playing Beat the Reaper."

    "Oh, I just broke out in a fine sweat...that means I have enough coffee on board for now."

    Nurse:  "Do you drink your coffee black?"  Doc:  "Are you kidding me?  My blood type is 'French Roast'."

     Upon return from a room:  "OH MY GOD!  I heard a weird noise as I finished seeing the alcohol withdrawal gal in 7.  I turned around, just as she pulled a high-gravity tall boy beer can out of her vagina, popped the top and started to down it.  I had to get a paper towel and grab it from her and pour it out.  Her alcohol level was already over .400, and she is still walking and talking.  Now I HAVE seen everything."

    "I totally empathize with gender-queer people.  I myself identify as a Lesbian trapped in a man's body."

    "Gotta love the Upriver Girls...land of mullets, mustaches and back-titties."

    Doc to patient, as patient concludes a spasm of coughing lasting almost a minute:  "Gosh, I hope that cough doesn't interfere with your smoking!"

    Doc, referring to Dr. Weeniewaver:  "You know, some people have 25 years of experience, and some have one year of experience relived 25 times."

    "THAT, Kids, is an honors graduate from Suxtabee U.

    "It must be great living in the tax-free State of Oblivion!"

    Doc commenting on the infected tongue stud just observed in a patient with complaint of sore, swollen tongue:  “I don’t get the tongue-stud thing at all.”
    Nurse:  “They say they do it to improve oral sex.”
    Doc:  “Oh, I missed my invitation to THAT committee altogether.  ‘The Oral Sex Improvement Task Force.’  Because oral sex just isn’t good enough.  And that’s what they came up with?”